Closed Doors: rejection…and faith

I’m having a really tough week.

The kind that really makes you doubt yourself, your course, your decisions.

And I’m also watching my gut and my ego fight a vicious battle right now…I know I should always trust my gut but my ego wants to keep holding on to the “what if…”

I’m facing a lot of rejection as an artist and it’s really breaking my heart.  Avenues I’m pursuing are not panning out, the other “baskets” I’m trying to put my proverbial eggs into are falling apart and I’m feeling crushed humbled by it all.

One of the more disappointing things I’ve learned this week, among others, is that the manufacturer that contacted me in August, that got me to take the leap into licensing and boosted my ego a thousand percent by all the things they wanted to do with my artwork decided to break contract and not produce my line.  Ouch.

I had been warned that this happens in art licensing a lot, but my first deal?  Really?  I’ve been working so hard, day and night since August to now face a complete letdown.  Can you blame me for feeling deflated?

Sorry that you’re witnessing my pity party.  I’m really not trying to get any sympathy, just trying to keep it real.  Because frankly I’m sick of reading so many blog posts from other creatives saying, “how great, I got this book deal and I’m going to be on TV and here’s my full line and yada yada,” but no one shares the crushing blow of rejection.  The 50 story fall off the pedestal you’ve been cautiously optimistic to climb.  There’s so much I haven’t gone into about my foray into art licensing (for privacy purposes and also to keep it professional) but I’m really questioning if I’m cut out for it.

The reality is this is hard.  Really hard.  And a lot of work…for a constant stream of disappointment.

I’m thinking I may just need to stop my ambition from trying to expand and grow too fast and keep my focus on my little Etsy shop for now where it’s safe and sweet.   Though I’m well aware of the “no risk, no reward” mantra, I’m feeling right now that it just might be safer and less heart-breaking to stay closer to home while I rebuild my confidence and revisit with my core values.

But, I’m also trying to remind myself to have faith.  That what’s meant to be is meant to be.  And if that means I’ll be the “starving artist” kind working at an average rate of $2/hour to pursue something I love and keeping it small, then perhaps I need to follow that path.  Because when I go back to why I made the decision to leave the corporate world to purse crafting and arts, it was to be able to spend more time with my husband and to spend more time doing what I love.  And I’ve been doing very little of both in the past 6 months.

I’ve always been one to sacrifice the money trail in order to follow the happiness trail and perhaps this rejection is the universe trying to navigate me back on my original path.  And so I will stop crying hot, salty tears of disappointment, pick myself up, dust myself off and take some time off to visit with my soul, visit with my husband and visit with artwork that doesn’t need anyone else’s approval but my own.

And that’s a wrap.  Thanks for allowing me to sit with my feelings and listening to me tell it like it is.  It ain’t always going to be pretty but it needs to be honest.

♥ jennifer